A Grail?!? A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy. By Jason C. Ulloa Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine. If you use him without my permission, I’ll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there. Be afraid.... Be very afraid. ------------------------------------------------- Chapter 1: Møøse Bites and Coconuts PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD. not slightly or in any way associated with A SAILOR AND A KNIGHT PRODUCTIONS LTD.(ASCAP) apologetically, and with some trepidation, presents __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Grail?!? A Sailor Moon/Monty Python and the Holy Grail crossover/parody... thingy Un Gräilen?!? Säilor Møøn Wik Mønti Pythøn ik den Hølie Gräilen __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Written, but not personally performed by: Graham Chapman John Cleese Eric Idle Terry Gilliam Terry Jones Michael Palin Røten nik nö Akten hëre Di __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Written and personally (but not really personally because this is a work of fiction, you know) performed by: Jason C. Ulloa Røten nik nö Realli Akten hëre Di __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ With Usagi Tsukino Ami Mizuno Rei Hino Makoto Kino Minako Aino Ryoku Kino Hotaru Tomoe Haruka Ten'ou Michiru Kaiou Setsuna Meiou Wik __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Also appearing Luna Artemis A bunch of other people who don't really matter Alsø Wik __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Also also appearing Jason C. Ulloa Alsø alsø Wik __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Not appearing Chibiusa Tsukino Diana Mamoru Chiba Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film You, obviously John Jacob Jinglehimershmidt Anyone whose name is also John Jacob Jinglehimershmidt The Amazing Rando Godot (We're still waiting for him) Ronald, the Amazing Dust Bunny Anybody else that isn't listed here Nøt Wik __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Camera Operator & Camera Focus & Camera Assistant & Camera Grip THE GUY WITH THE CAMERA Lighting LIGHTSWITCH & FLASHLIGHT SERVICES, LTD. NOT-IN-COLOR Rostrum Cameraman SOME GUY Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sound Recordist MIKE ROWFONE Sound Mixer THE GUY WHO MIXES SOUND Boom Swinger WATT CHOREHED Sound Maintenance A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE Sound Assistant BEN DOVER Dubbing Editor DUBBING? THERE WAS DUBBING? Assistant Editors SOME MORE GUYS Sound Effects F. ECKS See the løveli lakes __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Continuity NOW HIRING Accountant CHEAP SKATES Property Buyer THE MONOPOLY GUY Property Master MILTON BRADLY Property Men THE CANNON, THE DOG, THE SHOE, THE IRON, THE CAR, THE STEAMBOAT.... Catering LOTTA FOOD CATERING Vehicles RENT-A-WRECK, INC. The wøndërful telephøne systëm __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Assistant Art Director I. M. BLIND Construction Manager TIM TAYLOR Carpenters SOME '7Os BAND Painter PABLO PICASSO Stagehand LEFTY Rigger (n) 1. ONE WHO RIGS, OR SETS UP AN OBJECT FOR USE. And mäni interësting fürri animäls __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Special extra thanks and profuse apologies to: Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, Naoko Takeuchi, Fanfiction.net, Aria's Ink, Kodansha, Toei Animation, TV Asahi, Bandai, DIC, Cloverway, Pioneer, and anybody else who might be even remotely responsible for the production, release, distribution, etc. of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Sailor Moon, or this fic. Made entirely on location on board the USS John C. Stennis (CVN-74) inside the deranged mind and the privately- owned laptop of one Jason C. Ulloa, Information Systems Technician 2nd Class, Surface Warfare, United States Navy By A Sailor and A Knight, Limited, USS John C. Stennis (CVN-74), Coronado, California, USA. Completed in the personal laptop of IT2(SW) Jason C. Ulloa. Copyright © 2002 Jason C. Ulloa, A Sailor and A Knight, LTD. All rights reserved... except those rights belonging to other people, of course. The Producer would like to thank Python (Monty) Pictures and Naoko Takeuchi for their inadvertent help in the making of this work. If they knew what he was doing, they would probably be very unhappy with it... or, they might think that it was funny. He's hoping for the latter. The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. Signed RICHARD M. NIXON Inclüding the majestik møøse __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Songs PARAPPA THE RAPPA Additional Music UM JAMMER LAMMY A møøse ønce bït mi sistër.... __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Costume Designer SETSUNA MEIOU No realli! She wäs Karving hër ïnitïals øn the møøse with the shärpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given tø hër by Svenge - hër brøther-in-läw - än Oslo dëntist and stär of mani Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of än Oslo Dëntist", "Fïllings of Passiøn", "The Huge Mølars of Hørst Nordfink".... __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ We apologize for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked. Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti.... __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ We apologize again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked. I ønce bït a møøse, büt it wäs ønli becäuse I wäs hungri.... __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ We once again apologize for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have sacked the people who have just been sacked, have now been sacked. In addition, the person in charge of the entire subtitling process for this work has just been socked. And once he comes back to his senses, he will be sacked. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Production Manager THE MANAGER OF PRODUCTIONS Assistant Director THE DIRECTOR OF ASSISTANTS Special Effects F. ECKS Choreography TWO LEFT FEET CHOREOGRAPHY Fight Director RYOKU KINO Period Consultant GRAMMERCHECK Make Up Artists BISHOUJO SAILOR SENSHI HENSHIN PHRASES Special Effects Photography ANOTHER GUY WITH A CAMERA Animation Assistance ART ATTACK! Møøse Trained by YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lighting Cameraman YET ANOTHER GUY WITH A CAMERA Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Designer DE MAN WIT DE PEN Møøse choreographed by HORST PROT III Miss Taylor's Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME Møøse trained to mix concrete and sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Editor JASON C. ULLOA Møøses noses wiped by BJØRN IRKESTØM-SLATER WALKER Large møøse on the left hand side of the screen in the third scene from the end, given a thorough grounding in Latin, French and "O" Level Geography by BO BENN Suggestive poses for the møøse suggested by VIC ROTTER Antler-care by LIV THATCHER __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Author of 'A Grail?!?' JASON C. ULLOA Møøse toilet-trained by SVEN YAGERHERGENØVEN Møøse trained to dance the lambada and do the hokey-pokey by HEIDI EVENHØVER Recipient of a møøse bite in the behind DORF BJØRNENHURGENBITTEN __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked. The remaining credits have been completed in an entirely different style, at great expense and at the last minute. The producer wishes it to be known that whatever follows this message is not of his doing and, if the credits turn out to be completely stupid, those responsible will be sacked. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Executive Producer JASON C. ULLOA & "RALPH" The Wonder Bunny __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Producer JASON C. ULLOA Assisted By EARL J. BUNNY MILT Q. BUNNY III SY BUNNY MERLE Z. BUNNY IX __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Directed By 40 SPECIALLY TRAINED ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN BUNNIES 6 VENEZUELAN RED BUNNIES 142 MEXICAN WHOOPING BUNNIES 14 NORTH CHILEAN RABBITS (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE BUNNY) REG. BUNNY OF BRIXTON 76000 BATTERY BUNNIES FROM "BUNNY-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE ENERGIZER BUNNY) and JASON C. ULLOA __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Person whose name appears in the credits the most often - the current count being ten times: JASON C. ULLOA Person whose name has appeared in the credits WAY too many times - and this current appearance being number eleven: JASON C. ULLOA __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Senshi: [Sweatdrops] .... Sailor Knight: [Glances up at the credits] Well, wasn't that just a complete waste of time. Sailor Neptune: Didn't we already start? Why are the opening credits up there? Sailor Jupiter: [Shrugs] Hell if I know. Maybe it was just an excuse for Jason-san to put his name in there eleven times. Sailor Moon: [Grins] I liked the last part of the opening credits. Sailor Mars: [Put her hands on her hips and frowns] You would. They were mostly about bunnies. Sailor Moon: [Shrugs] I can't help it if my name means 'bunny'. It could be worse. They could've said llamas. Senshi: Llamas? Sailor Moon: [Slightly defensive] What? The credits could've said llamas instead of bunnies. Senshi: [Sweatdrops as they look at Sailor Moon] .... Sailor Moon: Stop looking at me like that. Sailor Venus: I thought those Swedish subtitles were funny. Sailor Mercury: They weren't Swedish, Venus. It was badly spelled English passed off as Swedish. Sailor Venus: [Shrugs] So what? I still thought it was funny. Sailor Uranus: I thought it was completely stupid. Sailor Knight: [Nods] I thought so, too. I suppose that this means that a bunch of people are going to be sacked. Sailor Saturn: [To Sailor Knight] Ryo-oniichan, what does 'sacked' mean? Sailor Knight: It means that someone is going to be fired. Sailor Saturn: [Confused] Fired? From what? Sailor Knight: [To himself] Hopefully from a cannon. [To Sailor Saturn] From their job, Saturn. Sailor Saturn: [Nods] Oh. But, who is going to be fired from their job? Sailor Knight: [Flatly] The moron that wrote the opening credits. Sailor Pluto: [Warningly] Heads up. Sailor Knight: [Glances upward] Eh? [Notices a HUGE rock overhead] ...look out! [Just barely dodges an enormous rock with words carved on it in large letters. The words read: 'Hey! I was the one who rewrote most of the opening credits! -Jason'] Sailor Pluto: [Deadpan] Next time, be more careful of who you call a moron. Sailor Knight: [Sweatdrops] .... Sailor Neptune: [Tiredly] How long are we going to be doing this? Sailor Jupiter: Doing what? Sailor Neptune: Commenting on the opening credits. I think we've already worn the joke thin. Sailor Jupiter: [Shrugs] Well, we can't continue until Jason-san cuts to the next scene. He's the one in charge of this fic, remember? Sailor Neptune: [Looking skyward] Jason-san! Can we go to the next scene already? Please? We've already killed this joke many times over. The readers are growing impatient! {A sign suddenly appears in front of the Senshi. It says, 'Oh, all right. We'll move on. -Jason'} Senshi: [Bows while speaking in a deadpan tone] Thank you very much. ------------------------------------------------- {It is still dawn on the grassy plain where the Sailor Senshi and King Arthur had met in the Prologue... I mean, a short time ago. The fog has lifted slightly, but it is still slightly foggy. King Arthur is... um, riding his... uh, horse.... [The narrator sweatdrops] Oh, forget it. He's HOPPING, all right? He's prancing around like a... well, I won't say it, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, he's... hopping... down a small hill with his servant, Patsy, behing him, banging a couple of coconut halves together. Not like it sounds like a real horse, anyway. I mean, they're riding on GRASS. The sound a couple of coconut halves make when banged together like that is like a horse trotting on cobblestones. If he wants to do it right, he should fill the coconut halves with some sod-covered dirt and.... [Narrator pauses in order to dodge a big rock that had just appeared over his head. The words, 'Get on with it! -Jason' is carved on it.] Oh, sorry. I guess I got carried away....} Sailor Knight: [Annoyed] Are we there yet? King Arthur: The castle should be just up ahead. [Glances back toward the Senshi and notices that they aren't... hopping] Why aren't you riding? Sailor Uranus: [Under her breath] Because we don't want to look as stupid as you. King Arthur: [Blinks] I'm sorry? Sailor Uranus: [Louder] I said that we prefer to walk. Sailor Moon: That and we don't have any coconut halves. Other Senshi: [While staring at Sailor Moon and sweatdrops] .... Sailor Moon: Stop looking at me like that. [Defensively] What? That looks like fun! Sailor Jupiter: [Shakes her head] At any rate, let's just keep going. {King Arthur continues to hop toward the castle ahead with the Sailor Senshi following behind... but not too closely. As soon as they reach the castle, King Arthur signals a halt.} King Arthur: [Raises his hand] Whoa there! {Patsy bangs the coconuts together to imitate a horse stopping abruptly. The Senshi all glance at each other, shrug, and stop walking. From the top of the castle, a soldier carrying a spear appears and glances down at the group.} Soldier: Halt! Who goes there? Sailor Venus: [Blinks] .... [To the others] Didn't we already stop? Sailor Mars: Just go along with it. King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England! Sailor Uranus: [Flatly as she folds her arms] So, he's been around and has a few titles. Big deal. Couldn't he just say, 'I'm King Arthur?' King Arthur: [Indifferently] And these strangely dressed people are just traveling in the same direction that I am. They are of no consequence. Sailor Uranus: [Frowns] Who's of no consequence? [Takes a step forward, but is restrained by Sailor Neptune and Sailor Pluto] Sailor Pluto: [Calmly] Don't mind him. Keep in mind why we are following him. Sailor Neptune: [Also calmly] Yes. Remember the Holy Grail. Sailor Uranus: [Snorts in irritation, but calms down] Whatever. Soldier: King Arthur, you say? [Skeptically] Pull the other one! King Arthur: [Indignantly] I am! [Ignoring the chuckling of the Senshi] And this is my trusy servant, Patsy. We have ridden- Sailor Knight: Hopped. King Arthur: [Still ignoring the Senshi] -the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. Sailor Saturn: [Questioningly] Which one? The lord or the master? King Arthur: They are one and the same. Sailor Saturn: Then, why did you ask for both? Couldn't you have asked for one or the other? King Arthur: [Growing impatient] It does not matter. As long as he gets one or the other. Sailor Saturn: [Nods] Oh. I see. Soldier: Ridden? On a horse? King Arthur: Yes! Soldier: You're using coconuts! {The Sailor Senshi are trying very, very hard not to break into laughter.} King Arthur: [Blinks in surprise] What? Soldier: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. King Arthur: [Growing impatient again] So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through- Soldier: [Interrupting] Where'd you get the coconuts? {The Senshi stop their laughing and turn toward Arthur with curious expressions on their faces.} King Arthur: [Matter-of-factly] We found them. Senshi: [Facefaults] .... Soldier: [Incredulously] Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! King Arthur: [Irritably] What do you mean? Sailor Mercury: The coconut is a fruit that only grows in tropical climates, such as those areas found in close proximity to the Equator. Since England is not a tropical zone, coconuts are not usually grown here. Soldier: [Nods and points at Sailor Mercury] She's right. This is a temperate zone. King Arthur: [Incredulously] The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land? Soldier: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate? Sailor Knight: [To the other Senshi] Are they actually having this conversation? Sailor Jupiter: I'm afraid so. Sailor Mars: [Flatly] I can feel my I.Q. level dropping by the minute. Sailor Knight: [Sighs in relief] Good, then it's not just me. King Arthur: [To the soldier] Not at all. They could be carried. Soldier: [Blinks] What? A swallow carrying a coconut? Senshi: .... King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk! Senshi: .... Soldier: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. Senshi: [While looking at Sailor Mercury] .... Sailor Mercury: [Sweatdrops] What? I wasn't going to say anything! Honest! King Arthur: [Growing very impatient] Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the court of Camelot is here? Soldier: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? Senshi: [While looking at Sailor Mercury] .... Sailor Mercury: [Sweatdrops again] I have nothing further to add to this discussion. Stop looking at me. Senshi: Just checking. Soldier: Am I right? King Arthur: [Growing extremely impatient and slightly desperate] I'm not interested! {Another soldier climbs up behind the first soldier.} Other soldier: It could be an African swallow! Senshi: [Facefaults and sweatdrops] .... Soldier: [Turns toward the other soldier] Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point. Other soldier: [Nods] Oh, yeah. I agree with that. King Arthur: [Growing quite upset] Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!? Soldier: But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory. Other soldier: Oh, yeah. Soldier: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway. {After finally deciding that the two soldiers were of going to be of no help to him, King Arthur turns and starts to hop away with Patsy banging the coconuts behind him, regardless of where they found them. The Senshi share an amused look and start to follow, but at a leisurely distance behind.} Sailor Saturn: Those men sure know a lot about swallows, don't they? Sailor Venus: [Nods] And here I thought that Mercury was the only one who could spout out useless trivia like that. Sailor Mercury: [Indignantly] I resent that! Other Soldier: [Not noticing that everyone else has left] Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? Soldier: [Also not noticing that everyone else has left] No, they'd have to have it on a line. Other soldier: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper! Soldier: What? Held under the dorsal guiding feathers? Other soldier: Well, why not? Soldier: [Turns to look back at King Arthur and the Senshi, but notices that they have left] What? They're gone! Other soldier: [Looks as well] Well, so they are. That's the eighth time this month you've done that, you know. Soldier: ...oh, shut up. ------------------------------------------------- Coming soon to a website near you.... A Grail?!? - Chapter 2: Bring Out Your Dead! Questions? Comments? Need treatment for møøse bites? E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil